Swinger Rules

By Hugh G. Rection
The Swinger Source

Every advice column I've seen on beginning swinging includes the phrase "set rules and live by them." Unfortunately, the authors of those columns rarely go into any detail about how to do so.

This article is not meant to be the definitive source on rules for Swingers, but rather a starting point for you to begin talking about your comfort level with your significant other.

The first thing you need to remember is that the person you share your life with is the important person in swinging. Their comfort level, passion and self-esteem should always be your first concern.

That said, when discussing rules, you will need to remember that no matter how outlandish, silly, bizarre, or just plain crazy the rules your partner comes up with may seem to you - they need to be respected, because that rule is clearly important to your partner.

I'd also like to express my opinion that a discussion about rules should not be approached as a bargaining session, nor as a negotiation, but rather as an open discussion about turn-ons and turn-offs, intimacy and feelings.

Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, here are a couple of tips for the discussion:

• Be respectful!
• Really listen; too often when our partner is speaking, we begin thinking about our response before they are finished, and in this type of discussion, it is imperative that we listen actively and openly.
• Be honest! This is no time to hide your true feelings. To start with, many couples experience a scenario where one partner is more adventurous than the other - this is normal and must be embraced.

Actually Setting Rules

Someone has to take the lead here, let it be you. The first thing you have to decide is "What am I comfortable with?" Questions you may want to ask yourself are:

• Am I actually comfortable with my partner receiving sexual pleasure from another person?
• What if that person is of the same sex as my partner? Am I really comfortable seeing my partner give sexual pleasure to another person?
• What if that person is the same sex as my partner?
• Am I comfortable seeing my partner perform truly intimate acts with another person? (In this instance "truly intimate" is something you will need to define; for some "truly intimate" means kissing, for others it means sensual massage, for others it has completely different meanings; whatever your definition is, are you prepared for it?)
• Am I interested in actual sexual intercourse with a person other than my partner?
• Am I interested in fantasy or role-playing with someone other than my partner?

These are just a few of the questions you should be asking yourself. Once you've answered these questions for yourself, you need to discuss them with your partner. Remember, this is not a negotiation, but rather an open and honest discussion about feelings and desires.

After you've both had a chance to express your feelings, you can begin to set your rules. Some common rules that couples set include:

• No separate rooms - we play together or not at all
• No kissing other partners (many couples consider kissing to be more intimate than sex)
• Condoms are mandatory for all penetrative play
• No anal play with others
• No taking phone numbers or contact information from other couples
• Either partner can end the evening at any time, no questions asked
• Check in with each other frequently during play
• Discuss the experience afterward, being honest about what worked and what didn't

Remember, these are just examples. Your rules should be based on your comfort levels and what works for your relationship. The most important thing is that both partners agree to and respect the rules you set together.

Finally, understand that rules can and often do change over time as you become more experienced and comfortable in the lifestyle. What seemed scary at first may become exciting later, or what seemed exciting initially might become uncomfortable. Regular check-ins and honest communication are essential to maintaining a healthy swinging relationship.